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Wedding Etiquette: Parents Do Not Invite

 bridal party; wedding; family

Not far in our collective past, the bride’s parents were financially responsible for their daughter’s wedding.  This also gave them the opportunity to use this as a social event inviting their friends and business associates.  The groom’s family received roughly half of the list and they did the same. 

Times have changed.  Our children are better educated, and many times have higher incomes than we.  Most often they can pay for their own weddings.  In a nutshell, parents are no longer financially responsible.  This also means that parents do not invite.

Dear Polite One:

My daughter is getting married, and my husband and I are paying for the reception. I have given her my guest list of immediate family and 4 couples that we are close to. Only 122 guests may be invited, including the wedding party.

The groom’s parents send a list of 80 guests, most are not close to the couple. His mom seems to think that this is ok because they won't attend but will send nice gifts.

I feel this is inappropriate, and if they do come it would cost a lot more than we can afford. His parent’s guest list is more than the bride and groom's list. Can you give me some advice?

Exasperated

Dear Exasperated,

Time marches on and parents shouldn’t be inviting anymore.  Parents are no longer financially responsible for their children’s weddings.  So, they don’t invite.  They don’t add to the guest list unless asked.  They may pay if they want, but don’t receive any planning privileges.  Even though this practice is over a decade old, many do not know of it.  Still, it is logical.  Our children are better educated and self-sufficient than in the past.  So, they should be able to pay for their own weddings or they wait.   

Now, because the couple chose to allow you to host, and I suppose agreed to allow you part of the guest list, this is fine on your part, and theirs.  But the groom’s mother may not give you a guest list unless you and the couple agree.  Besides, the idea of inviting guests just for the gift is repulsive.  Sending a gift because an invitation is received is an old rule also.  Guests are not obligated to give if they don’t attend.  But you are correct that they may just decide to attend.  So, this is not polite to you, the couple, or the guests. 

Perhaps the groom could tell his mother that if she wants those guests invited, she must pay for them.  This may give her a reality check.  The bride’s parents no longer foot the bill.  And the couple is in control.  So, it is best that he deals with his mother. 

Most sincerely,

The Polite One

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