Got Wedding Etiquette?

  Gift Registries, Cash Gifts, Group Gifts… Oh My! As an etiquette expert, I answer etiquette questions every day.   Many of those concern wedding etiquette, especially when it involves giving gifts.   This isn’t much of a surprise when the latest data provided by Forbes shows that the typical wedding guest spends approximately $673 just for the honor of attending.   Of course, this data includes an expensive mix of lodging and childcare.   However, attending the shower, bachelor, and bachelorette parties contributes much of this sum as well.   Follow along as I share my answers to actual wedding gift etiquette questions. Q : Must I buy the gift from the registry?   The couple registered at a higher-end department store with items such as a $300 espresso machine.   I know the bride loves her mochas, but that’s a bit pricy for me.   If I find the same machine at a discount store, can I purchase it there?   A : There is nothing...

  Etiquette Tips for Guest As a guest, it is important to remember that you are not the focus.   Keep that in mind.   It is easy to be a courteous guest.   Attire Unless it is part of the culture of the bridal couple, guests do not wear red.   It steals the show. Avoid revealing attire. Dress in the formality of the event. When in doubt, ask the couple or a member of the family what the dress code is. Behavior Avoid being too loud. Be observant and respectful of traditional wedding and reception elements. Remember that it isn’t all about you.    Yikes! Alcohol Consumption No brainer!   Don’t overindulge.   Drink plenty of non-alcoholic beverages to avoid embarrassing yourself and others.   Etiquette Tips for Gift Giving Couples, please remember that the shower is optional and wedding guests invited to the shower are then responsible for two gifts, one for the shower and one for the wedding, so be kind, th...

Dear Polite One, My sister is getting married, and I am the Matron of Honor.  She and her boyfriend have been living together for about two years and have pretty much everything they really need.  I want to give her a shower or some sort of get-together, but I really don't know what.  My mother seems to think I should give her a Pantry Shower , but I disagree since she has everything for her kitchen already.  Please help me with this!! Sis Dear Sis, Many are now turning to the 'giftless' shower, where everyone gathers as if it is a traditional shower, but no gifts are exchanged.  The modern woman really doesn't need the extra help setting up her household, plus she will be receiving wedding gifts.  So, this is becoming quite a nice trend.  Instead of the bride being showered with gifts, she is showered with love and good wishes.  It is very sweet. Most sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Money-Saving Wedding & R...

Dear Polite One, We both have horrible handwriting.  I typed my thank you notes for our wedding shower, but I just read in one of your answers that this could be considered rude. Each note that I type is individually done per person and gift, they're not copied or pasted from one to another, even when people go in on the gift.  Is this wrong?   Thank You! Needs a Scribe Dear Needs a Scribe, I’m sorry, but yes, it is impolite.  It is considered the same as a mass mailing if it is typed.  But don’t beat yourself up too much.  It is better to have sent them than not to.  I rarely receive one.   I can certainly understand the handwriting issue as I have the same problem. Still, it is better just to take your time and write the best you can.  I find it helpful to always write a rough draft of all my letters.   You will definitely want to handwrite all of your wedding gift thank-you notes as soon as you receive them. ...

Dear Polite One, A few of us have decided to host a wedding shower for our friend – encore bride – who is planning a small, informal wedding ceremony for immediate family only. Do we hosts give the bride a shower gift ? Hosting Dear Hosting, We have some issues here.  Number one, those who gave her gifts for her former weddings are not obligated to give this time.  Number two, and most importantly, a shower isn’t proper for this couple.  Only those invited to the wedding may be invited to the shower, but not all guests should be invited. That is asking each guest for two wedding gifts. Hosts give shower gifts, but typically, these are group gifts when there is more than one host. Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One How to ask for honeymoon cash? Must I use the registry to give? Do I give a wedding gift if I’ve already given a shower gift?

Dear Polite One, If invited to a wedding shower and you bring a gift for the couple, are you obligated to bring another gift for the couple when attending the wedding?  I suppose I always thought that you brought a gift to the wedding if you didn't attend the shower. Thanks Over-spent Dear Over-Spent, This is another reason so many brides are opting for the gift-less shower because the shower is often viewed as a ploy to receive two wedding gifts.   That said, if you attend the shower and have not bought the bride a gift for a previous wedding, you are expected to give a shower gift.  If attending the wedding, you are expected to ship a gift to her home before the wedding.   The gift doesn’t have to be expensive.  Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One How to ask for honeymoon cash? Must I use the registry to give? Gift for out of state shower?

Dear Polite One, The mother of the bride informed the bridal party to give the bride the "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue" gifts for her shower. Isn't that for the wedding, not the shower? Her attendants already spent a considerable amount on the shower and her gifts. I don't think it fair that they should be forced to give more.   Frustrated Dear Frustrated, This is a great example of why mothers should not be involved in the bridal shower.   It is natural to try to garner more gifts for her daughter . Please try to help her understand this.   Additionally, the "something old, borrowed, blue" gifts are typically given by the mother before the wedding. The Polite One More by The Polite One Is non-attending bridesmaid financially responsible for the bridal shower? When to host the bridal shower? Gift for out of state shower?

Dear Polite One, I mostly work from home, thus don't know those in our office ; most I've met only once.  One of these strangers invited me to her out-of-state shower and wedding.  Since I don't know her or her fiancé, and these are in a different state, I feel that I've been invited just for gifts .  I'm sure they realize I wouldn't and couldn't attend.  How much am I obligated to give? Insulted Dear Insulted, It does appear that she is gift-mining.  Don't fall for it unless you really want to give.  Keep in mind, cash is not a good shower gift.  Since you are not attending, no gifts are required anyway.  If you wanted to give cash, there is no appropriate amount to spend.  This is a personal decision.   Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Excluded from the Engagement Party Who hosts the bridal shower? What type of shower to host for those who have everything?

  Hi Polite One Who is supposed to host a shower for my daughter? The matron of honor doesn't want to host one, but a friend offered to host. I'm not sure what is proper manners .  Mother from South Africa Dear Mother from South Africa , Traditionally, the Matron of Honor offers to host a shower, but it isn’t mandatory that she does.  Mothers don’t.  Friends may.  Only those invited to the wedding may be invited to the shower and this should be a small, intimate affair.  Many are now choosing a giftless  shower since women typically don’t need the extra help setting up their homes as we did in the past.   Sincerely, The Polite One More from The Polite One What type of shower to host for those who have everything? Is non-attending bridesmaid financially responsible for the bridal shower? When to host the bridal shower?

  Dear Polite One, Since my sister has everything, what type of shower should I, as her MOH, host for her?  She and her boyfriend own a home together for three years now.  Sis Dear Sis, The giftless shower would be perfect!  Everyone gathers as if it is a traditional shower, but no gifts are exchanged. She will be receiving wedding gifts, so she doesn't need extra items anyway.   This is becoming quite a nice trend for the modern woman.  Instead of the bride showered with gifts, she is showered with love and good wishes.  It is very sweet. Sincerely, The Polite One More from The Polite One Is non-attending bridesmaid financially responsible for the bridal shower? When to host the bridal shower? MOG’s friends hosting the bridal shower.  How to list this on the invitation?

Dear Polite One, We are attendants hosting a shower for the bride.  One has said that she cannot attend but has shared the cost of a gift .  Is she still responsible to pay for the shower as well? Broke bridesmaid Dear Broke Bridesmaid, If she agreed to the costs and planning, then she is responsible for her share.  But, if she did not agree to the entire costs, she is not. Sincerely, The Polite One More from The Polite One When to host the bridal shower? MOG’s friends hosting the bridal shower.  How to list this on the invitation? Mom wants to sell tickets and isn’t paying for meals!

  Dear Polite One, How do I list all seven hosts of my friend's son's bridal shower on the invitation ?    Thank you, Best Friend of the MOG Dear Best Friend of the MOG, It isn’t proper for the mother of the groom's friends to host unless all of you are his close friends.  It would appear as if the mother of the groom is hosting the party.  A huge no-no.   Since this is a gift-giving event celebrating a gift-giving event, it must be planned carefully as to not appear as a ploy to garner a second wedding gift .  So, it is best for a friend of the couple to host this.   Having said that, if all of you are close to the couple and planning a proper shower – small and intimate – all names could be listed or give your group a symbolic name and list it as host. Sincerely, The Polite One More from The Polite One Do aunts host the bridal shower? May we combine the bachelorette and bridal shower? Invite non-...

  Dear Polite One, The attendants for my niece's wedding do not live near our family nor the wedding site, so none can host a shower for her.  Also, the wedding will be very small.  So, it will not include a lot of nearby family members. The bride really would like a shower.  I would like to host a shower for her but have been told it is not proper manners .  Could I call this party a summer supper instead, inviting all those not invited to the wedding? Aunt Dear Aunt, The bride shouldn't request a shower from anyone, it must be offered.  More importantly, only those invited to the wedding may be invited to a shower or any other prewedding party.  Changing the name of the event doesn't change that rule.  It's considered insulting to be invited to a prewedding party and not the wedding.    Family should not host a shower, plus it is a small wedding.  So, it is best if no one hosted her shower.  I...

  Dear Polite One: Would it be appropriate for us to host the bridal shower and bachelorette party on the same day?  Should we charge the attendees to ride in the limo? Thank you, MOH Dear MOH, Although not incorrect to host both on the same day, combining them is awkward and not fair for the guests.  The shower is a gift-giving event (if not gift-less), so these guests don't pay for anything besides the gifts.   Alternately, the bachelorette party is not a gift-giving event for which the guests treat the bride.  Thus, guests must know all costs upfront.  When a limo is involved, guests may opt to share the cost, but should not be coerced into paying.  So, as you see, combining these two events would be difficult.  All shower guests would also have to be bachelorette guests. The bride should never be involved in the planning of either party and may not ask for it—it’s not polite .  These are ...

  Dear Polite One, My nephew, who is getting married soon, just informed me that Aunts are obligated to host his fiancée's shower . Is this true? Thanks, Aunt Dear Aunt, Actually, no. Family members are not supposed to host bridal showers, as it is viewed as self-serving and not polite . Friends of the bride and her bridesmaids typically host the shower if there is to be one. A bridal shower is optional, and many feel it is outdated. Most women do not need a shower these days. Sincerely, The Polite One More from The Polite One Mom wants to sell tickets and isn’t paying for meals! 4 Tips to Prevent Bridal Shower Craziness                              Bridal Shower Q & A: Multiple Parties & What to Give?  

Dear Polite One, For a shower I'm hosting for my daughter, I plan to sell tickets for dinner at a restaurant.  All the money remaining after paying the restaurant would be hers.  Is this proper manners? Is It Proper Dear Is It Proper, Please do not do this as it is not polite , as mothers do not host, and the host provides the entire party. Guests should never have to open their wallets. Selling tickets is requiring guests to pay for her party and give her money just because she has decided to get married--very improper. Sincerely, The Polite One More from The Polite One 4 Tips to Prevent Bridal Shower Craziness                              Bridal Shower Q & A: Multiple Parties & What to Give? Bridal Shower Rules: Who Hosts, Can Be Invited and Gift Obligations?