Got Wedding Etiquette?

  It seems that when a couple decides to marry it is just one joyous party after another until the final bash, better known as the wedding reception.   Scenes from the Wedding Crashers are now dancing in my head.   Sorry for the detour; moving on... Each party comes with its own set of etiquette rules and traditions.   For example, some pre-wedding parties are typically gift-giving events, such as the wedding shower, while the bachelor, bachelorette, and engagement parties are not.   And what about the wedding reception?   What if the couple decides to marry out of state and most close friends and relatives cannot attend?   Is it proper to host a belated reception?   And, if it is proper, how long after a wedding is it appropriate to host a reception?   So many questions. Perhaps a bit of Q & A can guide us toward being better, more polite, guests and hosts, while answering all those pesky questions.   Do I attend my friend'...

  Dear Polite One, My daughter is getting married.  My wife is sending out the invitations for our guests and is including a co-worker.  This married co-worker informed my wife before she received the invitation that her incapacitated husband would not be attending so she is inviting her nephew so that they could drink together.  First, the wedding is very costly.  Second, I told my wife that this response is totally unacceptable and that proper etiquette is to not invite anyone else in her husband’s place.  Do you agree?  Containing My Anger Dear Containing My Anger, The first breach was to invite the coworker.  This isn’t your wife’s wedding even if you are paying for it.  Parents are no longer financially responsible for their children’s weddings.  This also means that the wedding is no longer a social event for the parents.  They don’t invite.  So, this was the first mistake.  If your daughter gave yo...

Dear Polite One, The mother of the bride informed the bridal party to give the bride the "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue" gifts for her shower. Isn't that for the wedding, not the shower? Her attendants already spent a considerable amount on the shower and her gifts. I don't think it fair that they should be forced to give more.   Frustrated Dear Frustrated, This is a great example of why mothers should not be involved in the bridal shower.   It is natural to try to garner more gifts for her daughter . Please try to help her understand this.   Additionally, the "something old, borrowed, blue" gifts are typically given by the mother before the wedding. The Polite One More by The Polite One Is non-attending bridesmaid financially responsible for the bridal shower? When to host the bridal shower? Gift for out of state shower?

  Hi Polite One, I'm a traditional mother of the bride and expect to pay for my daughter's wedding, as I hoped that she and I would plan it together.  The groom and his family see it differently.  They don't have a problem with me paying but want to choose and taste the cake with us.  They want to be in the mix throughout the entire planning process.  Do they have that right? Traditional Mom Dear Traditional Mom, Parents are no longer financially responsible for their children's wedding, so it is your choice if you want to contribute and how much. If you do contribute, however, it is considered a gift that doesn’t automatically give you planning rights.  The couple should allow you to have a voice though, out of common courtesy.   The couple is responsible for choosing their cake and whether the groom and his family accompany them, is the couple's choice.  Personally, I feel that since you chose to pay for most of this, there sh...

  Dear Polite One,           My daughter wants to have her very good friend as a bridesmaid but doesn't know the groom well. He is a wonderful person and has agreed. We don't have a problem with it but wonder how he will be a bridesmaid. How does he walk back down the aisle, with a groomsman or by himself? There are six bridesmaids and groomsmen each including him. MOB Dear MOB, This is very common for weddings these days.  He would be a bride's attendant, not a bridesmaid.  He would dress as one of the groomsmen with his corsage in the same color as the bridesmaid's bouquets.  He would walk with the bridesmaids and stand with them.  He can walk with a groomsman or no.  He just wouldn't walk arm-in-arm with him.  Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Which is the bride’s side of the church? What to wear to an engagement party in a Napa Valley vineyard? How to determine...

  Hi Polite One Who is supposed to host a shower for my daughter? The matron of honor doesn't want to host one, but a friend offered to host. I'm not sure what is proper manners .  Mother from South Africa Dear Mother from South Africa , Traditionally, the Matron of Honor offers to host a shower, but it isn’t mandatory that she does.  Mothers don’t.  Friends may.  Only those invited to the wedding may be invited to the shower and this should be a small, intimate affair.  Many are now choosing a giftless  shower since women typically don’t need the extra help setting up their homes as we did in the past.   Sincerely, The Polite One More from The Polite One What type of shower to host for those who have everything? Is non-attending bridesmaid financially responsible for the bridal shower? When to host the bridal shower?

Dear Polite One, For a shower I'm hosting for my daughter, I plan to sell tickets for dinner at a restaurant.  All the money remaining after paying the restaurant would be hers.  Is this proper manners? Is It Proper Dear Is It Proper, Please do not do this as it is not polite , as mothers do not host, and the host provides the entire party. Guests should never have to open their wallets. Selling tickets is requiring guests to pay for her party and give her money just because she has decided to get married--very improper. Sincerely, The Polite One More from The Polite One 4 Tips to Prevent Bridal Shower Craziness                              Bridal Shower Q & A: Multiple Parties & What to Give? Bridal Shower Rules: Who Hosts, Can Be Invited and Gift Obligations?  

  Dear Polite One, My sister is engaged to a man with whom she has been living for five years in Australia; we are from Canada. They expect our parents to host an engagement party here in Canada followed by two weddings – one here and one in Australia – as a gift to them. Of course, she expects my parents to attend.   In today’s society, for my mother's sake, what is expected of my parents financially? Heeeelp Dear Heeeelp, The days of the bride's parents footing the bill are gone, even though some still do.   The reason for this is that women no longer live in their dad's home, uneducated and jobless, until the day she is handed off to her husband who takes care of her. Well, at least here. So, why would it be necessary for her family to pay for her wedding when she can easily do this for herself?   Whatever your parents choose to do is a gift. Additionally, to host two weddings is one wedding too many.  She needs to decide where to marry and wed ...

Steps are Parents Too In our culture, we often tend to disrespect and hold stepparents in disdain, especially the stepmother.   Perhaps it shouldn’t be a surprise when we consider fairytale favorites like Cinderella and Snow White.   Both stepmothers were truly evil; we detest them easily.   But with encore weddings outpacing first-timers, stepmothers become growingly common.   It seems that we should begin to welcome all who enter our families as real family members, not mere interlopers.   At no time is the disdainful treatment of stepmothers more apparent than during the wedding planning process and at the wedding itself.   Stepmothers, even those who have been members of the family for years, are usually expected to show up for the wedding dressed as one of the guests—not one of the mothers—sit quietly in the third row with her husband and disappear into the background during the reception.   This can be completely understandable in those inst...

  Dear Polite One,  What do the bride’s parents pay for in their daughter’s wedding? Cash Strapped Parents Dear Cash Strapped Parents, Nothing.  Parents are no longer financially responsible for their children’s weddings.  If they want to get married, they should be able to finance it themselves.  Young people these days have more choices and often make more money than their parents.  Whatever you wish to contribute to is your choice and a gift.  Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Menacing Sisters Refuse Bride’s Chosen Colors Bitchy Bride Refuses to Invite Mom’s Boyfriend or His Family Skip Traditional Seating of the Mothers?

Dear Polite One,  I divorced my daughter's dad 3-1/2 years ago. The marriage was over 5 years ago, but I still lived with him. I have had a boyfriend for 3-1/2 years and love him dearly. His family has taken me in, and we are just like in-laws, only better. My boyfriend's mom opened her home to me while waiting for a job in another part of the state where boyfriend and I have joint property. And now she’s doing it again.   Since my family will travel 1,000 miles to attend the wedding, she offered to let the whole family, 8-10 of them stay in her house. The invitations just arrived.   Neither my boyfriend nor his family was invited because she’s afraid of how awkward it will be for her dad. I'm hurt by my daughter's choice and feel she’s playing “the bitchy bride” role.    What to do ? Invite them anyway? Refuse to pay for any of the wedding and just show up? Hurt, Pain and Tears in Oregon Dear Hurt and Pain, I feel your pain, but this is your ...

Dear Polite One,  I am the mother of the bride and would like to know if the mothers can skip walking down the aisle? Our children are planning a small wedding for 130 in a sweet chapel. My parents are divorced and DO NOT get along.    So, we would like to figure out a way so that we may all be seated without being taken down the aisle.   Then, couldn’t we mothers and fathers stand up at some point when the music starts to light a unity candle?   Afterward, my husband would walk back to be with our daughter.   Our children don’t really care about doing things the way “everyone” else does. Does this sound ok with you? We want this to be ALL about the kids.   Everyone invited knows we’re the mothers. Linda Dear Linda, Sure, any of these traditions can be changed.   You can seat yourself anytime you wish.   All four parents can light the candle at any time.   Typically , though, this is part of the ceremony.   Your h...