Got Wedding Etiquette?

  Prompted by an interview for HuffPost Live, here are a few tips about wedding gift-giving and expectations.   What is the etiquette pertaining to giving wedding gifts? An invitation should not be a demand for gifts. If attending, give a gift representing the relationship and within the budget. It doesn't have to be something on a registry. If given for previous weddings, another gift isn't necessary. Ship the gift to the couple before the wedding. What if the couple requests no gifts? Even though this is a respectable expectation, especially in these days of divorces taking longer to finalize that the marriage lasted, this is never listed on any wedding correspondence.   “No Gifts ” may be listed on a wedding website.   Use the rumor mill and ask others to spread the word. Requesting cash as a gift? Yikes!  This is not polite . Never list this request anywhere, even on a wedding website. Inform people of the cash expectation when ...

  Dear Polite One, The bride asked a few friends to plan her Vegas bachelorette party, for which we will pay our travel and lodging costs, for the bride’s spa, and all entertainment costs (clubs, drinks, food).  Do we also pay for her travel and lodging costs? Empty wallets Dear Empty Wallets, She shouldn't have requested this.  It's not polite or good manners .  She just doesn’t pay for the night of the party.  So, she can pick up the tab for her travel and lodging expenses.   Sincerely, The Polite One More from The Polite One How to Plan a Perfect Bachelorette and Bachelor Party Excluded from the Engagement Party May we host an engagement party?

Special Note Since planning the bachelorette and bachelor party can be a challenge – the only parties provided by the guests – it is most fair to try to find something that will entertain everyone that doesn't cost much. This could be a girls-night in watching chic flicks, miniature golf, or wine tasting tour for the ladies.  Perhaps high tea!? Gents?  Well, most men I know entertain themselves quite easily with just about anything that includes "male bonding."  Many add beer to that mix.    Just make sure all can afford the activities and you will all talk about that night for years to come.   Please Read These Posts May we combine the bachelorette and bridal shower? Four-Day Vegas Trip How to Plan a Perfect Bachelorette and Bachelor Party

Dear Polite One, I would like to host an engagement party for my brother and his future wife.  This is a second wedding for both.  Is this good manners ? Wants to do the right thing. Dear Wants to Do the Right Thing, Even for the tenth wedding, it would be fine. Just create an atmosphere of joy and ensure guests realize this isn't a gift-giving event. And please, only invite those who are also invited to the wedding. Sincerely, The Polite One More from The Polite One May we combine the bachelorette and bridal shower? Invite non-wedding guests to a Summer Supper? Excluded from the Engagement Party

Hi Polite One, I am so hurt as I wasn't invited to my grandchild's engagement party.  Other family members were there, but not many.  Gran Dear Gran, The etiquette for an engagement party isn’t as clear as it is for many other pre-wedding events.  There are no rules about who is invited. Close family members, such as grandparents, would be invited to a family affair.  However, hosts take liberties of who they wish to host.  This could have been a mistake as well. So, this may not be a slight.  Most sincerely, The Polite One More from The Polite One Who hosts the bridal shower? What type of shower to host for those who have everything? Is non-attending bridesmaid financially responsible for the bridal shower?

  Hi Polite One Who is supposed to host a shower for my daughter? The matron of honor doesn't want to host one, but a friend offered to host. I'm not sure what is proper manners .  Mother from South Africa Dear Mother from South Africa , Traditionally, the Matron of Honor offers to host a shower, but it isn’t mandatory that she does.  Mothers don’t.  Friends may.  Only those invited to the wedding may be invited to the shower and this should be a small, intimate affair.  Many are now choosing a giftless  shower since women typically don’t need the extra help setting up their homes as we did in the past.   Sincerely, The Polite One More from The Polite One What type of shower to host for those who have everything? Is non-attending bridesmaid financially responsible for the bridal shower? When to host the bridal shower?

  Dear Polite One, Since my sister has everything, what type of shower should I, as her MOH, host for her?  She and her boyfriend own a home together for three years now.  Sis Dear Sis, The giftless shower would be perfect!  Everyone gathers as if it is a traditional shower, but no gifts are exchanged. She will be receiving wedding gifts, so she doesn't need extra items anyway.   This is becoming quite a nice trend for the modern woman.  Instead of the bride showered with gifts, she is showered with love and good wishes.  It is very sweet. Sincerely, The Polite One More from The Polite One Is non-attending bridesmaid financially responsible for the bridal shower? When to host the bridal shower? MOG’s friends hosting the bridal shower.  How to list this on the invitation?

Dear Polite One, We are attendants hosting a shower for the bride.  One has said that she cannot attend but has shared the cost of a gift .  Is she still responsible to pay for the shower as well? Broke bridesmaid Dear Broke Bridesmaid, If she agreed to the costs and planning, then she is responsible for her share.  But, if she did not agree to the entire costs, she is not. Sincerely, The Polite One More from The Polite One When to host the bridal shower? MOG’s friends hosting the bridal shower.  How to list this on the invitation? Mom wants to sell tickets and isn’t paying for meals!

  Dear Polite One , When should be the shower be hosted ? Shower Host Dear Shower Host, Typically, the shower is scheduled about two months before the wedding.  Send invitations at least three weeks before the shower.    Please read about the etiquette involved with hosting a shower.  If this isn’t planned properly, it may be viewed very negatively. Sincerely, The Polite One More from The Polite One MOG’s friends hosting the bridal shower.  How to list this on the invitation? Mom wants to sell tickets and isn’t paying for meals! Do aunts host the bridal shower?

  Dear Polite One, How do I list all seven hosts of my friend's son's bridal shower on the invitation ?    Thank you, Best Friend of the MOG Dear Best Friend of the MOG, It isn’t proper for the mother of the groom's friends to host unless all of you are his close friends.  It would appear as if the mother of the groom is hosting the party.  A huge no-no.   Since this is a gift-giving event celebrating a gift-giving event, it must be planned carefully as to not appear as a ploy to garner a second wedding gift .  So, it is best for a friend of the couple to host this.   Having said that, if all of you are close to the couple and planning a proper shower – small and intimate – all names could be listed or give your group a symbolic name and list it as host. Sincerely, The Polite One More from The Polite One Do aunts host the bridal shower? May we combine the bachelorette and bridal shower? Invite non-...

  Dear Polite One, The attendants for my niece's wedding do not live near our family nor the wedding site, so none can host a shower for her.  Also, the wedding will be very small.  So, it will not include a lot of nearby family members. The bride really would like a shower.  I would like to host a shower for her but have been told it is not proper manners .  Could I call this party a summer supper instead, inviting all those not invited to the wedding? Aunt Dear Aunt, The bride shouldn't request a shower from anyone, it must be offered.  More importantly, only those invited to the wedding may be invited to a shower or any other prewedding party.  Changing the name of the event doesn't change that rule.  It's considered insulting to be invited to a prewedding party and not the wedding.    Family should not host a shower, plus it is a small wedding.  So, it is best if no one hosted her shower.  I...

  Dear Polite One: Would it be appropriate for us to host the bridal shower and bachelorette party on the same day?  Should we charge the attendees to ride in the limo? Thank you, MOH Dear MOH, Although not incorrect to host both on the same day, combining them is awkward and not fair for the guests.  The shower is a gift-giving event (if not gift-less), so these guests don't pay for anything besides the gifts.   Alternately, the bachelorette party is not a gift-giving event for which the guests treat the bride.  Thus, guests must know all costs upfront.  When a limo is involved, guests may opt to share the cost, but should not be coerced into paying.  So, as you see, combining these two events would be difficult.  All shower guests would also have to be bachelorette guests. The bride should never be involved in the planning of either party and may not ask for it—it’s not polite .  These are ...

  Dear Polite One, My nephew, who is getting married soon, just informed me that Aunts are obligated to host his fiancée's shower . Is this true? Thanks, Aunt Dear Aunt, Actually, no. Family members are not supposed to host bridal showers, as it is viewed as self-serving and not polite . Friends of the bride and her bridesmaids typically host the shower if there is to be one. A bridal shower is optional, and many feel it is outdated. Most women do not need a shower these days. Sincerely, The Polite One More from The Polite One Mom wants to sell tickets and isn’t paying for meals! 4 Tips to Prevent Bridal Shower Craziness                              Bridal Shower Q & A: Multiple Parties & What to Give?  

Dear Polite One, For a shower I'm hosting for my daughter, I plan to sell tickets for dinner at a restaurant.  All the money remaining after paying the restaurant would be hers.  Is this proper manners? Is It Proper Dear Is It Proper, Please do not do this as it is not polite , as mothers do not host, and the host provides the entire party. Guests should never have to open their wallets. Selling tickets is requiring guests to pay for her party and give her money just because she has decided to get married--very improper. Sincerely, The Polite One More from The Polite One 4 Tips to Prevent Bridal Shower Craziness                              Bridal Shower Q & A: Multiple Parties & What to Give? Bridal Shower Rules: Who Hosts, Can Be Invited and Gift Obligations?  

Hi Polite One, I need help. My step-cousin recently married. She is close with my parents, but not so much with me. Not because of anything bad, we just sort of lost touch, we just never see each other. In fact, I only see her once a year at Christmas. She comes from a wealthy family and her wedding was extremely lavish. I'm guessing minimum $300-$500 per plate. I was invited to the wedding with a guest and was concerned because I barely had the money to attend the wedding ( dress , shoes, etc.), let alone give a gift. My family is all about monetary gifts (always cash or check). My parents were insisting that I needed to cover the cost of my plate which was more than 2 weeks of my pay. I wanted to decline because I couldn't afford to go and was embarrassed. My parents insisted that it was family and that was not an option. I was told to do whatever I needed to do to get a dress, shoes, and cash gift to cover my plate. Because of the pressure, I responded that I would ...

  Dear Polite One , I am the mother of a groom.  The bride's shower is out of town.  Is it required that I attend?  It's expensive to fly, so I would, of course, send a proper gift.  I'm happy to be included and don't want to offend the bride by not going.  She and her mother said they would love to have me attend, but they would understand if I could not.  We will be flying our entire family out of town for the wedding in a matter of 8 weeks.  I would also have to travel by myself since no other family members can attend. Can you offer some proper etiquette for me to follow? Thank you! Nan Dear Nan, No problem.  This is an easy one.  When from out of town, it is not necessary to attend.  A gift isn't even necessary if not attending.  Still, parents are expected to send gifts.   This isn't something I agree with, but it is still an expectation many people have these days.  So, it's probably...

  Dear Polite One, My son is getting married for the 2nd time. This is the first for his bride. As parents of the groom, what are we obligated to pay for? Does it matter that we already paid for our part of his first wedding? Barb. Dear Barb, You are not obligated to contribute anything except your congratulations.  Parents are no longer financially obligated for their children's weddings anymore.  Of course, that also means that they get no planning or inviting rights as well, even if they do contribute.  Most sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Proper Time for Cake & Punch Reception? Is This a Wedding? Proper MOG Dress  

  Hello Polite One, I am getting married on in two months.  Our wedding is small, so will not host a full reception...only cake, punch, and finger foods such as cheese and fruit.  How should I word my invitation?  Should it say Cake and Punch reception to follow? Also, what is the proper time to have the wedding if we are not serving a meal?  The wedding site is in the mountains, and it will take most people an hour to drive to the wedding site.  Is 1:00 p.m. too early?  Would 2:00 be a better time?  I do not want to be rude to guests who may be expecting a meal. Please let me know the proper etiquette for this. Thank you, Brenda Dear Brenda, Congrats!  Thank you for considering your guests’ comfort.  2 pm would work best.  And, you don’t have to list the refreshments on the invitation.  Guests should know.  But, if this is an informal wedding, the “rules” are much more relaxed.  So, you could use...