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Should the Wedding Gift Cover the Cost of the Plate?

confusion; questions; seeking clarity

Hi Polite One,

I need help. My step-cousin recently married. She is close with my parents, but not so much with me. Not because of anything bad, we just sort of lost touch, we just never see each other. In fact, I only see her once a year at Christmas.

She comes from a wealthy family and her wedding was extremely lavish. I'm guessing minimum $300-$500 per plate. I was invited to the wedding with a guest and was concerned because I barely had the money to attend the wedding (dress, shoes, etc.), let alone give a gift.

My family is all about monetary gifts (always cash or check). My parents were insisting that I needed to cover the cost of my plate which was more than 2 weeks of my pay. I wanted to decline because I couldn't afford to go and was embarrassed. My parents insisted that it was family and that was not an option. I was told to do whatever I needed to do to get a dress, shoes, and cash gift to cover my plate.

Because of the pressure, I responded that I would attend with no guest. I tried my hardest to come up with the money, but it was impossible. My parents were terribly angry and said I still had to go to the wedding and would have to save money and send the gift as soon as I could.

By some sort of divine intervention, my parent's babysitter screwed them over the day of the wedding. I ended up having to stay home and babysit my little brother. At the time I was relieved, but now I am starting to panic. I need to send a gift and soon. I am worried because I RSVP'd YES and then never showed.  They are out the money for my dinner.

The most I can send this week is $150, or I can save for the next three weeks and try to cover my plate. I guess what I'm trying to ask is, what should I do? I'm single, I'm 30 years old, I live with my parents, work part-time, and attend school.  I don't think my cousin even knows that.

Is $150 acceptable? I heard her parents and my parents talking last week about how so and so "only gave $100" or they "couldn't believe how cheap people were for only giving $250."

I don't want to look rude or like a jerk. I'm starting to freak out because it's been over a month since the wedding, and I still haven't given a gift. If I wait to cover the cost of my plate, they might not get my gift for another month or so.

My aunt, uncle, and cousin are genuinely nice people, they're just a little hung up on money. They also don't know me that well because I don't see them often. When I saw my aunt and uncle last week, they were acting a little strange around me.  I don't think they really know what happened. I think they just think I RSVP'd YES, blew them off, and didn't send a gift. 

In your opinion, what should I do? My parents keep saying that I look disrespectful, which makes me feel terrible. I had good intentions; I just didn't have money. I never meant to be rude or disrespect anyone or hurt anyone's feelings.

Sincerely,

Lana Schifano

P.S. I also attended the shower and didn't give a gift. My mom just threw my name on the card from her gift before we got there.  Sorry for the novel :)

Dear Lana,

I'm sorry you are so frazzled, but it is understandable with this sort of pressure.  

It's just so sad that all these people have the same ill-conceived view of correct etiquette. 

There is no entrance fee for guests attending a wedding reception.  There is no rule about covering the cost of your meal.  A wedding reception isn't a restaurant.  If so, then why would the host choose the meal and dictate the cost of it??  Wouldn't a host provide the entire event cost-free? 

This gift-covering-the-cost-of-the-meal rule doesn't make any sense and is extremely unfair to guests.  In fact, why would your parents and your cousin's parents know how much each person gave as a gift?  It shouldn't be common knowledge.  The gifts are for the couple, no one else. 

The wedding is the gift-giving event, not the reception.  Gifts can be anything, not always money—even if that's what is expected or requested (very impolite and presumptuous).  Just because that is how it has always been done in the family doesn't mean it is right.  In this case, it isn't.  But that doesn't help you in this instance.  What to do??

Well, if you have any crafting talent, you could create a needlepoint or decoupage picture of their wedding invitation.  You could give them any gift you want to give.  It doesn't have to be cash and the value doesn't have to be the same as the cost of the plate. 

If your family has a difficult time understanding this or believing it is correct, they can open any etiquette book that covers wedding etiquette. 

I realize there are customs in some regions like this, but it isn't mainstream etiquette.  It isn't proper manners and isn't nice. 

Good luck with this, Lana!!  Please let me know how this plays out for you.

Most sincerely,

The Polite One

More by The Polite One

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