Hi Polite One,
I need help. My step-cousin
recently married. She is close with my parents, but not so much with me. Not
because of anything bad, we just sort of lost touch, we just never see each
other. In fact, I only see her once a year at Christmas.
She comes from a
wealthy family and her wedding was extremely lavish. I'm guessing minimum
$300-$500 per plate. I was invited to the wedding with a guest and was
concerned because I barely had the money to attend the wedding (dress,
shoes, etc.), let alone give a gift.
My family is all about
monetary gifts (always cash or check). My parents were insisting that I needed
to cover the cost of my plate which was more than 2 weeks of my pay. I wanted to
decline because I couldn't afford to go and was embarrassed. My parents
insisted that it was family and that was not an option. I was told to do
whatever I needed to do to get a dress, shoes, and cash gift to cover my plate.
Because of the
pressure, I responded that I would attend with no guest. I tried my hardest to
come up with the money, but it was impossible. My parents were terribly angry
and said I still had to go to the wedding and would have to save money and send
the gift as soon as I could.
By some sort
of divine intervention, my parent's babysitter screwed them over the day
of the wedding. I ended up having to stay home and babysit my little brother.
At the time I was relieved, but now I am starting to panic. I need to send a
gift and soon. I am worried because I RSVP'd YES and then never showed. They are out the money for my dinner.
The most I can send
this week is $150, or I can save for the next three weeks and try to cover my
plate. I guess what I'm trying to ask is, what should I do? I'm single, I'm 30
years old, I live with my parents, work part-time, and attend school. I don't think my cousin even knows that.
Is $150 acceptable? I
heard her parents and my parents talking last week about how so and so
"only gave $100" or they "couldn't believe how cheap people were
for only giving $250."
I don't want to look
rude or like a jerk. I'm starting to freak out because it's been over a month
since the wedding, and I still haven't given a gift. If I wait to cover the
cost of my plate, they might not get my gift for another month or so.
My aunt, uncle, and
cousin are genuinely nice people, they're just a little hung up on money.
They also don't know me that well because I don't see them often. When I
saw my aunt and uncle last week, they were acting a little strange around me. I don't think they really know what happened.
I think they just think I RSVP'd YES, blew them off, and didn't send a
gift.
In your opinion, what
should I do? My parents keep saying that I look disrespectful,
which makes me feel terrible. I had good intentions; I just didn't have money.
I never meant to be rude or disrespect anyone or hurt anyone's
feelings.
Sincerely,
Lana Schifano
P.S. I also attended
the shower and didn't give a gift. My mom just threw my name on the card from
her gift before we got there. Sorry for the novel :)
Dear Lana,
I'm sorry you are so
frazzled, but it is understandable with this sort of pressure.
It's just so sad that
all these people have the same ill-conceived view of correct
etiquette.
There is no entrance
fee for guests attending a wedding reception. There is no rule
about covering the cost of your meal. A wedding
reception isn't a restaurant. If so, then why would the host choose the
meal and dictate the cost of it?? Wouldn't a host provide the entire
event cost-free?
This gift-covering-the-cost-of-the-meal
rule doesn't make any sense and is extremely unfair to guests. In fact,
why would your parents and your cousin's parents know how much each person gave
as a gift? It shouldn't be common knowledge. The gifts are for the
couple, no one else.
The wedding is the gift-giving
event, not the reception. Gifts can be anything, not always money—even if
that's what is expected or requested (very impolite and presumptuous).
Just because that is how it has always been done in the family doesn't mean it
is right. In this case, it isn't. But that doesn't help you in this
instance. What to do??
Well, if you have any
crafting talent, you could create a needlepoint or decoupage picture of their
wedding invitation. You could give them any gift you want to give.
It doesn't have to be cash and the value doesn't have to be the same as the
cost of the plate.
If your family has a
difficult time understanding this or believing it is correct, they can open any
etiquette book that covers wedding etiquette.
I realize there are
customs in some regions like this, but it isn't mainstream etiquette. It
isn't proper manners and isn't nice.
Good luck with this,
Lana!! Please let me know how this plays out for you.
Most sincerely,
The Polite One
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