Anti-Clueless Advice: What to Wear and What Gifts to Give

How to Decode the Dress Code and to Give the Right Gift

Many questions I receive as an etiquette consultant are from wedding guests. Guests are especially concerned with what they should wear and what they should give as gifts.  All who contact me are deeply worried about committing any type of faux pas, as many weddings tend to be surrounded by drama these days.

For example, one guest shared that the bride called fuming that the gift she shipped to the bride's home was inadequate, so she returned it to the store for cash—true story.   With crazy, hurtful behavior like that, it is no wonder wedding guests are apprehensive about wedding guest protocol.

How do we know what to wear to a wedding?

Wedding invitations are supposed to help guests understand the formality of a wedding.  Often, this is not the case.  Here is a real-life example: a guest received an invitation of heavy-weight paper indicating a formal wedding, but the location listed was a neighborhood park.  So, what was my advice? 

Since the invitation didn't include attire advice – usually only listed when the dress code is formal – I suggested dressing in the nicest restaurant attire expected for that time of day.  It was perfect advice. 

Alternately, it is perfectly fine to inquire if in doubt.  Contact family members or the couple to find out the formality of the wedding and the preferred dress code. 

Do not steal the show!

Knowing the formality of expected attire is only part of this dress-code puzzle though.  To avoid embarrassment, take into consideration the absolute don'ts.  After all, the number one wedding guest attire rule is, "Don't steal the show!"

Therefore, unless the culture of the bridal couple dictates it, red and bright colors are wedding guest no-nos.  Revealing attire is off the menu as well.  Also, in places of worship, dress conservatively and follow the rules.  Additionally, please note that it is now appropriate to wear black to weddings.

Cash gifts? How much cash is enough?

Even though giving cash gifts is customary in some regions and in some cultures, it is my least favorite.  Why?  Well, because there is no correct amount to give.  An amount may seem generous to some and yet appear chintzy to others, as we all have our own perception of value.  Continuing in that theme, nix the idea that guests give according to the cost of the reception meal—silly, unfair, and poor manners.  Guests shouldn't be expected to pay for their dinners.

Give from the registry or the heart?

Guest need not feel obligated to purchase the pricy wish-gift from the registry.  A registry is meant to be a guideline for guests, to give them an idea of the couple's needs; although today's registry may consist mainly of "wants". So, only give what you want to give.  Give a gift that reflects your relationship with the couple. 

Do I take the gift to the wedding?

In some regions, especially here on the left coast, it is common to take the gift to the reception.  However, to be most proper, ship the gift to the couple or bride's home before the wedding.  Cards tend to separate from gifts and gifts are often lost, so this rule is logical and one we should all follow.

Enjoy the wedding season!

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