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How to be a Polite Guest and Host to the Many Wedding-Related Parties

 roses; heart

It seems that when a couple decides to marry it is just one joyous party after another until the final bash, better known as the wedding reception.  Scenes from the Wedding Crashers are now dancing in my head.  Sorry for the detour; moving on...

Each party comes with its own set of etiquette rules and traditions.  For example, some pre-wedding parties are typically gift-giving events, such as the wedding shower, while the bachelor, bachelorette, and engagement parties are not. 

And what about the wedding reception?  What if the couple decides to marry out of state and most close friends and relatives cannot attend?  Is it proper to host a belated reception?  And, if it is proper, how long after a wedding is it appropriate to host a reception?  So many questions.

Perhaps a bit of Q & A can guide us toward being better, more polite, guests and hosts, while answering all those pesky questions. 

Do I attend my friend's bachelorette party when mine was just canceled?

Q: We have decided to postpone or maybe cancel our wedding.  A bachelorette party is scheduled for this weekend for my girlfriend, who is also getting married, and me.  I don’t want to spoil it for the other bride, but don’t want to lie either.  What should I do?

A: It is best not to attend as a bride because guests would be covering your costs.  You could attend as a guest for the other bride but would be expected to pay the same amount as all the other guests.  It would not be polite to withhold this information. 

If it were me though, I'd refrain from attending because all the attention would be on me and my situation.

My daughter is charging her guests to pay for their meals!

Q: My daughter’s wedding will be small. The wedding reception will be held at a nearby hotel/restaurant. She and her fiancé do not plan to pay their guests’ costs.  I don't know what to think. A quick survey at my office found people thinking it was odd, if not rude. If you think it is acceptable for guests to pay, how is that worded in an invitation? 

A: Yikes!  The simple rule is: you invite, you pay.  It just may come across as: “Hey, come and witness our wedding and don’t forget your wallets, because you are paying for the reception.”  And, sorry.  There is no polite way to word this on an invitation.  Please help your daughter understand how this will affect her guests and how it may be viewed. 

2 Receptions.  2 Gifts?

Q: A relative is marrying in another state.  Realizing not everyone will be able to travel across the country for the wedding and reception, they are planning a second hometown reception two months later.  Is a gift expected if a person attends both receptions?

A: Second or belated receptions are common these days and very appropriate within the first year.  Since a gift is given for the wedding, not the reception, you would ship a wedding gift prior to the wedding and attend the receptions gift-less.  And please remember, only those “invited” to the wedding may be invited to the reception.

Combine housewarming and engagement parties?

Q:  May we host a housewarming and our engagement party together? I recognize neither is a gift-giving event, so I thought it would be appropriate to host them together.

A: This would be fine if the guests know that you are not expecting gifts.  It might be best to verbally inform them that you know it would be improper. 

A post-wedding celebration is a reception. 

Q: We are planning a post-wedding 'celebration' for our son and new wife.  We rented a hall, secured a DJ, will serve hors d'oeuvres, and provide a cash bar.  How do we word this in an invitation?

A: A post-wedding celebration is a reception, which is hosted.  Please don’t do this.  When we host, we pay all costs.  Guests shouldn't be expected to open their wallets.  So, please host the event you can afford to host.  Most definitely, if you are inviting guests, they will be expecting refreshments.  If you cannot afford to provide this, host the event during a time they will not be expecting alcohol—perhaps around noon or 2pm. 

More by The Polite One

Just the Facts: Wedding Etiquette Tips

Anti-Clueless Advice: How to Decode a Confusing Wedding Invitation

Top Three Gifts for Bridesmaids

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