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Wedding Complications Q & A: Ignoring Groom's Parents


Upset Mother of the Groom, parents aren't listed on invitation
Groom’s parents considered an ATM with no voice

Our son is marrying soon and has requested us to pay 1/3 of the cost of his wedding. However, he made it clear that we no say in any of the planning whatsoever - bride and her mother were handling everything.  Our son, bride, and her mother have been so very cruel—very disappointing and painful.  So, we stayed out of the way, kept quiet, and handed out cash.

Even more hurtful was the bride's parents listed as hosts and we as "parents of the groom".  All are quite shocked, we are devastated, and our son and bride think we are ridiculous. 

So that is done and there is nothing we can do.  But my husband would like to stand with the father of the bride to greet guests and he wants to give a speech at the reception.  They feel differently.  We feel so betrayed and hurt, but don't want to ruin our son's wedding.  What do you suggest?

Hurt Parents

Reply by The Polite One

Dear Hurt Parents, 

Interesting.  They want your money, even though parents aren't responsible for their children's weddings anymore, and yet they really don't care for your interaction.  Just give me the check attitude.  

Well, short of a spanking, it may be best to take a deep breath and discuss your intentions with your son in private.  Plus, you could mention that it is widely known, and in print in all etiquette books that mention weddings, that all parents are listed as hosts when they are co-hosts.  Contributing, these days doesn't automatically mandate that the parent have any planning or inviting rights though.  This is where polite behavior on the part of the couple should come into play.  They should have included both of you in the planning if requesting you co-host.   I suppose the positive point here is that you were allowed part of the guest list.  Many are not these days since contributions are considered gifts.   

There is no reason why your husband should not be allowed to co-greet guests if the father of the bride is.  But, then again, the couple has the last say.  Therefore, it is important to speak to your son privately before speaking to the couple jointly.  

As for the speech, it is best to keep his speech short and sweet.  He could mention why he loves his son, the little things that make their relationship special, and include some little tale from your son's childhood, finishing up with his hope of continued love of his son and his new daughter.    This may be difficult since your husband may be hurting inside.  But, if he can focus on the loving past he has had with his son, he will be able to get through it easier.   

It is unfortunate that a wedding can be destructive instead of uniting, as it should be.  We seem to have too many distractions these days—too many "reality" shows displaying poor behavior disguised as trendy.  I sincerely hope you and your husband can find something positive to focus upon for the next few weeks.   

Best wishes, 

The Polite One

Please Read

Nix Embarrassing Speeches & Rings All Around

Wedding Correspondence Q & A: Including Registry Info?

4 Tips for the Mother of the Groom 

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