Our son is marrying soon
and has requested us to pay 1/3 of the cost of his wedding. However, he
made it clear that we no say in any of the planning whatsoever - bride and her
mother were handling everything. Our son, bride, and her mother have been
so very cruel—very disappointing and painful. So, we stayed out of the
way, kept quiet, and handed out cash.
Even more hurtful was
the bride's parents listed as hosts and we as "parents of the
groom". All are quite shocked, we are devastated, and our son
and bride think we are ridiculous.
So that is done and
there is nothing we can do. But my husband would like to stand with
the father of the bride to greet guests and he wants to give a speech at the
reception. They feel differently. We feel so betrayed and
hurt, but don't want to ruin our son's wedding. What do you suggest?
Hurt Parents
Reply by The Polite
One
Dear Hurt Parents,
Interesting. They
want your money, even though parents aren't responsible for their children's
weddings anymore, and yet they really don't care for your
interaction. Just give me the check attitude.
Well, short of a
spanking, it may be best to take a deep breath and discuss your intentions with
your son in private. Plus, you could mention that it is widely
known, and in print in all etiquette books that mention weddings, that all
parents are listed as hosts when they are co-hosts. Contributing,
these days doesn't automatically mandate that the parent have any planning or
inviting rights though. This is where polite behavior on the part of
the couple should come into play. They should have included both
of you in the planning if requesting you co-host. I suppose
the positive point here is that you were allowed part of the guest
list. Many are not these days since contributions are considered
gifts.
There is no reason why
your husband should not be allowed to co-greet guests if the father of the
bride is. But, then again, the couple has the last say. Therefore,
it is important to speak to your son privately before speaking to the couple
jointly.
As for the speech, it is
best to keep his speech short and sweet. He could mention why he
loves his son, the little things that make their relationship special, and
include some little tale from your son's childhood, finishing up with his hope
of continued love of his son and his new daughter. This
may be difficult since your husband may be hurting inside. But, if
he can focus on the loving past he has had with his son, he will be able to get
through it easier.
It is unfortunate that a
wedding can be destructive instead of uniting, as it should be. We seem
to have too many distractions these days—too many "reality" shows
displaying poor behavior disguised as trendy. I sincerely hope you
and your husband can find something positive to focus upon for the next few
weeks.
Best wishes,
The Polite One
Please
Read
Nix Embarrassing
Speeches & Rings All Around
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