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Are Bridal Showers Relevant for Today's Woman?

Bridal shower relevance

Bridal Shower Etiquette

Bridal showers, among many other wedding rituals, have evolved over the years.  And why not?   Society changes.  Society's needs and priorities change.  Considering this, it would be logical to ask, "Does a bridal shower reflect who we are now?  Is it necessary or fair to wedding guests?"  The easy, quick answer is "No". 

Most likely, not many will side with me here, as many do not know the history of the party and many don't care.  Many times, the shower is just an excuse to double up on wedding gifts.

Quick History Lesson

History points to the first showers as a gesture of generosity of a town's people, rather than parties.  Town's people would give small gifts to a bride who, for various reasons, had no dowry—usually, dad didn't like the groom.  Similar customs sprang up through the years; partly because, it was common for women to stay home with daddy until a lucky man showed up to take care of her.  Still, for most, gifts remained inexpensive, given at will, and not expected. 

It wasn't until after WWII that the modern bridal shower evolved (games, gifts, guests, and hosts) and became popular with the masses.  Given that many, if not most, of our men were returning from war with nothing, this made sense.  Even then, the parties were small, and the gifts were inexpensive.    

Now, the Reality Check

For the most part, young women here in the US do not live at home until they marry—trading one form of support for another.  They are strong-willed and are wholly able to support themselves.  So, is this gift-giving party still relevant?  Even as a gift-giving event, the focus is to help guests feel as if they are a part of the wedding process.  This is one of the main reasons all guests are also invited to the wedding. 

In these days of recycle, reused, repurpose, why not "repurpose the bridal shower?  Keep the outdated party with its games and frivolity but nix the superfluous gifts.  This would be much fairer to wedding guests and more fun as well.  After all, do bridal couples really need two wedding gifts from the same person?

The Etiquette Involved

Who hosts? Because it is viewed as impolite for close family members to host, a friend is the best option.

  • If a sister is also a bridesmaid, she may host.
  • Bridal couples do not host showers for themselves.
  • Host no more than two showers.

Who is invited? It is viewed as an insult to be invited to a shower, especially if it is a gift-giving event and not a wedding.  It appears as if the guest is only "good enough" to provide the couple with a gift, but not good enough to be invited to the wedding.  So, only invite those also invited to the wedding—the exception is the office shower. 

  • Don't invite the same person to more than one shower.
  • Co-ed parties are fine.

When to host?  Showers are supposed to be a time to generate excitement for the upcoming nuptials.  So, host the shower two weeks to two months before the wedding date.

  • Afternoon is still the most popular time to host, but any time is fine.
  • Lunch, brunch, barbecue, pool party, cocktail party....

Where?  Bridal showers may be hosted in the home of a friend, restaurant... most anywhere.  However, if held in a restaurant, the hosts provide the entire party—pays all costs.

Particulars? Showers are usually informal but can be formal as well.  However, invite no more than 35 guests.  Inviting more and this could appear as a giant gift-grab, another reason why a gift-less shower appears more gracious. 

  • A theme party is appropriate and memorable. 
  • The party may be a surprise. 
  • Showers are appropriate for encore brides. 
  • Do not request a shower. 
  • Do not use any of the gifts until after the wedding.

Dear Polite One,

My daughter is marrying soon.  Because she has been living with her boyfriend for a year, they don't need anything.  Is my plan appropriate?  I want to host her shower in a restaurant.  I'll sell tickets to cover the cost of the meals with the remaining cash as hers to keep as her gift.

Selling Tickets

Dear Selling Tickets,

Yikes!  Please do not do this.  It is viewed as poor taste for mothers to host the shower, as it could appear greedy, like trying to gain more gifts for her daughter.  Furthermore, selling tickets would not be polite.  Hosts don't charge an entry fee for their guests. 

Sincerely,

The Polite One

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