Interestingly, our tradition of a bridal shower is rooted in the 1800s. It began as a way for a young woman with no dowry to marry the man of her choosing. Her friends and townspeople would supply her with the equivalent of one.
As
this party evolved and spread to North America, it became, according to an
etiquette book in the 1920s, completely spontaneous and informal. It wasn't until the 1950s that party
planners altered the party to give it more structure. Still, even then, gifts were to be small,
inexpensive items.
What
happened?
Angry Guest Invited to Shower, but not the Reception
Dear
Polite One,
My
cousin invited me to an after-party – cocktails after the reception – and her
shower. The invitation for both these events included her registry
information. I am insulted, as it appears that I'm invited to
give her gifts, but not to enjoy the wedding as one of the preferred
guests.
Insulted
Dear
Insulted,
You
are right to be insulted, as this is obscene and extremely improper. Only those
invited to the wedding may be invited to the shower. Plus, an
after-party is not polite to all guests. Those invited to the
reception may be insulted that they aren't invited to this event as
well. It is unfortunate she doesn't know better. Feel
free to decline. You are not obligated to give anything.
Registration
cards inside the invitation…not surprising and very unsettling.
Sincerely,
The
Polite One
Small Wedding, No Shower?
Dear
Polite One,
I
am having a small wedding, less than 30 guests, just immediate, close family
and a few friends. What is the etiquette for the bridal shower? I feel uncomfortable inviting guests to a
shower who are not invited to my wedding. Should I leave this up to the
individuals to decide?
Small
Wedding
Dear
Small Wedding,
You
have good instincts. Bridal shower
guests must also be wedding guests.
However, we don't invite all wedding guests to a shower. With so
few attending your wedding, it might appear as if you want two wedding gifts
from each guest. The guest list would essentially be the same for both
events—a no-no. It is impolite for the bride to host or request a shower
anyway.
You
may, though, host an engagement party. No
gifts should be expected.
Sincerely,
The
Polite One
Is a money tree at work shower proper?
Dear
Polite One,
For
a workplace shower we are planning, may we include a money tree, as the couple
has everything they need? How do we list this on the
invitation? They have recently moved into a new home and could use
the cash.
Work
Friend
Dear
Work Friend,
This
is considered tacky, not good manners, and not done anymore. For the workplace
shower, gifts are optional, and cash is not requested. Usually this
is just a cake and beverage event. Invitations for work events are usually just
posted on a common wall.
Sincerely,
The
Polite One
Must MOH Attend Out-of-Town Shower?
Dear
Polite One,
As
matron of honor, must I attend the shower if it is out-of-town, as I can't
afford the airfare. Should I send a gift? The bride
said she would understand if I could not.
Broke
MOH
Dear
Broke MOH,
This
is not a problem, because when the shower is hosted out-of-town, it is not
necessary to attend. A gift isn't even necessary if not
attending. But you might want to give a group gift with other
attendants if there are others. The gift doesn't have to be nearly
as expensive as a wedding gift.
Sincerely,
The
Polite One
Bridal Shower
Q & A: Multiple Parties & What to Give?
Bridal Shower
Rules: Who Hosts, Can Be Invited and Gift Obligations?
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