4 Tips to Prevent Bridal Shower Craziness

Interestingly, our tradition of a bridal shower is rooted in the 1800s.  It began as a way for a young woman with no dowry to marry the man of her choosing.  Her friends and townspeople would supply her with the equivalent of one. 

As this party evolved and spread to North America, it became, according to an etiquette book in the 1920s, completely spontaneous and informal.  It wasn't until the 1950s that party planners altered the party to give it more structure.  Still, even then, gifts were to be small, inexpensive items. 

What happened? 

Angry Guest Invited to Shower, but not the Reception

Dear Polite One,

My cousin invited me to an after-party – cocktails after the reception – and her shower.  The invitation for both these events included her registry information.   I am insulted, as it appears that I'm invited to give her gifts, but not to enjoy the wedding as one of the preferred guests.   

Insulted 

Dear Insulted,

You are right to be insulted, as this is obscene and extremely improper. Only those invited to the wedding may be invited to the shower.  Plus, an after-party is not polite to all guests.  Those invited to the reception may be insulted that they aren't invited to this event as well.  It is unfortunate she doesn't know better.  Feel free to decline.  You are not obligated to give anything.  

Registration cards inside the invitation…not surprising and very unsettling.  

Sincerely, 

The Polite One

Small Wedding, No Shower?

Dear Polite One,

I am having a small wedding, less than 30 guests, just immediate, close family and a few friends. What is the etiquette for the bridal shower?  I feel uncomfortable inviting guests to a shower who are not invited to my wedding. Should I leave this up to the individuals to decide?

Small Wedding

Dear Small Wedding,

You have good instincts.  Bridal shower guests must also be wedding guests.  However, we don't invite all wedding guests to a shower.  With so few attending your wedding, it might appear as if you want two wedding gifts from each guest.  The guest list would essentially be the same for both events—a no-no.  It is impolite for the bride to host or request a shower anyway. 

You may, though, host an engagement party.  No gifts should be expected.

Sincerely, 

The Polite One

Is a money tree at work shower proper?

Dear Polite One, 

For a workplace shower we are planning, may we include a money tree, as the couple has everything they need? How do we list this on the invitation?  They have recently moved into a new home and could use the cash.  

Work Friend

Dear Work Friend,

This is considered tacky, not good manners, and not done anymore. For the workplace shower, gifts are optional, and cash is not requested.  Usually this is just a cake and beverage event. Invitations for work events are usually just posted on a common wall.  

Sincerely, 

The Polite One

Must MOH Attend Out-of-Town Shower?

Dear Polite One, 

As matron of honor, must I attend the shower if it is out-of-town, as I can't afford the airfare.   Should I send a gift?  The bride said she would understand if I could not. 

Broke MOH

Dear Broke MOH,

This is not a problem, because when the shower is hosted out-of-town, it is not necessary to attend.  A gift isn't even necessary if not attending.  But you might want to give a group gift with other attendants if there are others.  The gift doesn't have to be nearly as expensive as a wedding gift.   

Sincerely, 

The Polite One

Please Read

Do I give a gift or what?

Bridal Shower Q & A: Multiple Parties & What to Give?

Bridal Shower Rules: Who Hosts, Can Be Invited and Gift Obligations?