Not Inviting Abusive Mother

We often consider domestic abuse as a problem couples have—too many, in fact—but, probably not surprisingly, abusive parents are just as common. When this is an issue, the child victims are, understandably, traumatized for life. Still, when we have a major life event, we may feel the pull to involve that parent. Should we? How do we respond to those asking about that parent when not invited?

Dear Polite One,

My mother is an abusive drug addict, so I do not associate with her. Thus, she is not invited to my wedding. What can I say to those asking about my family? I have none besides her, so there will be no family on my side of the aisle. Also, how do I word the program? For "seating of the mothers" I have nothing to say.

Trying to Appear Calm

Dear Trying to Appear Calm,

Unfortunately, your situation is not uncommon, although I wish it were.

When guests ask about your mother or family, don't say much at all. Just state that it's best she isn't here and then smile. This is an indication that the subject is closed.

Alternately, there is an even better response that your guests may appreciate greatly. While gesturing to all your guests, your response could be, “I choose my family members and they are all here today.”

If you are printing the programs yourself, eliminate the sections about your mother. If not, request that it is. If that isn't possible, an honored guest could take the place, such as: Honored Guest, Jane Wu.

Please, know that you are doing the right thing by living life in your image of calm and respect. We cannot change abusive people. We can only protect ourselves from them.

Congratulations on your wedding and the beginning of your next chapter.

Sincerely,

The Polite One

More from The Polite One

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