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Should we attend a wedding for a couple we don’t know?

 questions, woman, white woman

Dear Polite One,

Just a few days ago, my husband and I received an invitation to a wedding of a cousin of his.  This is a cousin that my husband has never met as there was always a big age difference. (My husband was away at college when she was born) 

We looked up the gift registry and most of the gifts are close to the $200 range.  We thought about a gift certificate from a store like Williams Sonoma or Pier 1 Imports. 

However, we are already being frowned upon by my husband’s family as we mentioned that we would not be going as:

1) We don't know the bride

2) There has always been a rift between my husband and mother since she left him, his brother, and father years ago.

The grandmother wants everyone there for "photo opportunities" before she dies, but nobody is getting along.  And if my husband doesn't go, it's just one more thing for him to be frowned upon. 

I guess our biggest dilemma is, do we buy a gift for someone we don't even know just to look like we made some sort of effort (even though I know we'll be frowned upon for not going for the photo opportunities), or do we just send our RSVP back stating will not attend and send a card of congratulations?

Any insight would be great.

Thank you!!

Being Pressured

Dear Being Pressured,

This is yet another reason why I and a few other etiquette advisors do not believe that an invitation should obligate anyone to give a gift.  No.  Even though Peggy Post says yes, I just don’t believe in it.  It is just a piece of paper, and a gift, a true gift, should come from the heart—not from outside pressure.   

It is your decision to attend or not to attend.  If it were me, I’d send a card.  To attend is just stating that you care more for what will be said about you rather than wishing the couple well. 

To invite guests that the couple does not know is so very old fashion.  Most polite people simply do not do this anymore.   Family is supposed to stay out of the wedding inviting business.  The couple is supposed to be financially responsible for their weddings and create the guest list.  One thing they did well is to pad the registry. (sarcasm)  

I sincerely hope you and your husband can get past this bit of family strife.  But please do not feel pressured to buy something for someone you do not know or are close to.  If you do attend, of course, you should ship a gift before the wedding.

Sincerely,

The Polite One

More by the Polite One

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