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Paying admission to attend a wedding?

 shock; woman; white woman

Dear Polite One,

I am originally from California and moved to New York about a year ago. I was invited to the wedding of my cousin who I meet while living in NY. I was not able to attend the bridal shower and must admit that I did not follow proper etiquette (oops!!!) by failing to send a gift despite my absence.

I was going to pick up a wedding gift, but was told by another cousin, who also lives in New York, that in NY, guests apparently don’t give gifts at the wedding.  She said that the registry was only for the use of the bridal shower and that it is customary in NY to give Cash Only.  Additionally, there are no wedding gift tables at the reception.

I was also told that it is customary to give the cost of the dinner plate of the wedding and that I should search the Internet to find out how much the bride and groom are paying for each plate at their wedding. Even more surprising, my cousin explained that if the cost of the plate is $150, I should give a minimum of $300 for me and a guest. As I thought about it, that would mean I’m expected to pay $150 per plate plus an additional $50 to cover the plate with a little extra cash as the wedding gift.

I was told weddings are really expensive in NY, and dinner plates range from $100 - $200 per person.

In California, it is considered rude to try to figure out what the bride and groom paid for the dinner plate. We give gifts from the heart and sometimes purchase from the registry. If a California wedding guest decides to give cash, she gives what she likes, and there is no formula.

To be honest, if it is customary in NY for guests to pay for their dinners, I would prefer not to go to a NY wedding. I don’t want to feel obligated to pay “admission” to be able to attend a wedding or feel that I am being invited to a wedding not to be a part of the beginning of the couple’s new life together but to pay for a party. I prefer to give a gift from the heart.

Totally confused.

Dear Totally Confused,

You are correct that there is a problem right now on our ‘right’ coast. I’m not sure how this trend began, but it is offensive and definitely not proper etiquette. It must be that someone wrote that it was what they did and everyone followed suit.

It is not proper to ask or expect our guests to open their wallets to attend our functions. What is even more interesting to note is that the gift is supposed to be for the wedding not the reception. It is written in every etiquette book that we are supposed to ship the gift to the couple before the wedding.

Yes, we on the west coast tend to bring the gift to the reception. But that is our very small breach of etiquette that usually doesn’t hurt anyone—unless the card is separated from the gift and we don’t know who gave what. That does make writing our thank you notes a bit difficult.

Thank you for writing me. This is exactly what I need on my site to help our east coast brethren understand why this trend is not proper.

Oh, and if you don’t attend the shower, you are not expected to send a gift. This is probably something most people do not know.

Sincerely,

The Polite One

More by The Polite One

To whom to give gifts?

Dissed my gift; wanted cash!

Does a wedding announcement prompt a gift?

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