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Bitchy Bride Refuses to Invite Mom’s Boyfriend or His Family

woman; questions

Dear Polite One, 

I divorced my daughter's dad 3-1/2 years ago. The marriage was over 5 years ago, but I still lived with him. I have had a boyfriend for 3-1/2 years and love him dearly. His family has taken me in, and we are just like in-laws, only better.

My boyfriend's mom opened her home to me while waiting for a job in another part of the state where boyfriend and I have joint property. And now she’s doing it again.  Since my family will travel 1,000 miles to attend the wedding, she offered to let the whole family, 8-10 of them stay in her house.

The invitations just arrived.  Neither my boyfriend nor his family was invited because she’s afraid of how awkward it will be for her dad. I'm hurt by my daughter's choice and feel she’s playing “the bitchy bride” role.   

What to do? Invite them anyway? Refuse to pay for any of the wedding and just show up?

Hurt, Pain and Tears in Oregon

Dear Hurt and Pain,

I feel your pain, but this is your daughter’s wedding, not yours.  These are not the days of the bride’s parents paying for their daughter’s wedding making it a social event for them.  Parents are no longer financially responsible for their children’s weddings and do not invite. 

If your daughter doesn’t want your boyfriend or his family there, that is her right.  It is her wedding and it should only include those she wants.  You may choose to help her financially with her wedding costs, but this doesn’t imply that you can invite anyone.  The couple invites and should have complete control.

That’s said, it is most polite to invite the known significant others of guests to weddings.  You might be able to speak to your daughter about this small etiquette olive branch.  Still, it is her decision.

These gracious people have been good to you and you consider them family.  Obviously, she does not.  Since she feels this way, it is best to allow her to make her own choices without intimidation or guilt because she doesn’t want to invite your guests. 

Additionally, she may not expect any assistance from your boyfriend’s family if they are not invited, making the offer of lodging unimportant to your daughter as well.  All involved in that aspect should be notified soon.

It may be best for everyone to read more about etiquette before any more feelings are hurt.  There was no breach of etiquette or proper manners on your daughter’s part.  From what you have told me, she doesn’t deserve the “bitchy” title either. 

Sincerely,

The Polite One

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