Got Wedding Etiquette?

Interviews With an Etiquette Consultant Wedding season can mean excitement and anxiety for brides, grooms, and their families.    Since I’m an etiquette consultant, those mixed feelings typically result in an overflowing inbox of questions from all sides.   Typically, intense interest in a particular subject is newsworthy, which makes it a perfect topic for morning news segments.   This was the case recently as I visited two of our local stations to offer expert Wedding Etiquette 101 advice.   The Q and A Session This interview was a typical straightforward question and answer segment with three of my most asked questions.   ( Video ) Question: How do couples inform guests of their wedding website?   Answer: There can be a link on the “Save the Date” or newspaper announcement. Still, it should never be listed on wedding invitations, as these sites typically have gift registry information.   Speaking of gifts, registry information ...

  Interview Number Two was a Very Cool Quiz. This was one of my most enjoyable interviews, as I had the opportunity to quiz the new anchors. I love those ladies!   ( Video ) Let’s see if you can get the answers correct as well. 1) I’m getting married soon and want a honeymoon registry.   How can I inform guests of where to find it? A. Post your registry on FaceBook. B. Post your registry on your wedding website. C. Post your registry on your wedding invitations . 2) As mother of the groom, may I wear a red strapless gown to my son’s daytime wedding? A. No. B.Yes. It depends on the formality of the wedding. 3) We are planning a destination wedding.   Must we pay all the expenses for our attendants? A. No. B. Yes, but only for the best man & maid of honor’s expenses. C. Yes, but only for the first two days of lodging for all your attendants.   Your Answers! What were your answers?   Do you feel good about them?   We...

Serial Weddings for the Same Couple is Not Polite...or nice  “What’s the point?” Vicky asks her fiancé when he suggests they marry privately in Barcelona and follow up with a formal affair back home.   Of course, in this movie, Vicky Cristina Barcelona , the reason for her question was a reluctance to say, “I do.”   But it is a valid question for all of us, as it isn’t logical and from an etiquette viewpoint is as improper as one can get.   However, with so many celebrity couples opting for multiple wedding ceremonies – to the same people – the average person might assume that this practice is now, not only the “popular” new expression of love but appropriate, which it is neither.   Basically, it is most impolite to guests who might consider this a real wedding and feel the need to give a gift.   This often results in guests, even family, viewing this as a blatant grab since a wedding is a gift-giving event and the vow renewal is not.   For those...

Requests for expert input are common for etiquette professionals.   What follows is an interview that, unfortunately, never resulted in publication.   The journalist asked interesting questions.   I was pleased to use some of what I learned in my many Psychology classes.   Please read on. Q: What are some of the psychological, social, and practical issues of remarriage, including the best approach in telling your former spouse's family and your own of your plans. A: In the past, many felt that a failed marriage was a negative and a personal failure—somewhat akin to a character flaw.  This was especially true when it came to an encore wedding.   Today, there’s no stigma.  Most do not judge a person who is remarrying.   But there are considerations to the encore wedding that we don’t typically have for the first wedding.  If there are children from a former marriage, they should be informed privately before any others.  If close...

Q:  Are there special issues for widows who remarry, such as continuing to use your late husband's name if that's what you are known by professionally, or changing your name on deeds, bank accounts, etc. A:  Most importantly, the widowed who are remarrying should attempt to assuage angst some may be feeling about the upcoming nuptials.  She could use her previous husband’s name, but out of respect for her new husband, it is usually most polite for her to move on completely.  He will be living in the shadow of her former husband in so many respects anyway and the name would be a constant reminder.  This isn’t to say that women must change their names once they marry.  Of course, she could use her maiden name.    Advice about changing her name on documents is not within my skill set.  Q:  What are appropriate gifts and activities for a second marriage, such as an engagement party or bridal shower. A:  Many encore couples are fo...

After decades of answering etiquette questions, especially about weddings, I’d like to share a few of those questions that represent the majority of concerns.   Q: Is an invited coworker obligated to spend a certain amount? I'm going to both the wedding shower and the wedding. Should I buy both gifts off the registry? A: Unfortunately, yes. This is one of the biggest reasons I feel that the gift-less wedding shower is the smartest route for us to follow today.  Why should the couple receive more than one gift per guest?  It just doesn't make any sense and isn't fair to guests. Q : Registries feel so impersonal.   Is there any way to make it more personal? A: I honestly can't think of any way to make a registry more personal.  If a couple decides to register, they should choose items from the low end of the price range as well as the bigger ticket items, so the list doesn't appear to be a greed-fest.  Unfortunately, it can have th...

  How Announcements Differ from Invitations At first, I thought it was a joke, but it’s uncommon for news anchors to call with a joke.   Nikki Medoro (a lovely person btw) from KGO Radio San Francisco called to interview me about a slowly evolving – very impolite – trend in the wedding industry: the "You're not invited announcement" or "Anti-invite alert".    No, I am not kidding.   Nikki conveyed, ( interview ) that basically, the bride and groom send out emails or cards informing those near and dear that their presence is not required at the wedding.   As an etiquette consultant, I did my best to respond in a polite manner that I find this behavior hurtful and obscene.   Actually, I was shocked that anyone would consider these missives appropriate.   Honestly, guest list issues are not a new phenomenon.   Money and space limitations often cause couples to whittle down their guest lists.    It is not easy, and quite often th...

Bridal Shower Etiquette Bridal showers, among many other wedding rituals, have evolved over the years.   And why not?    Society changes.   Society's needs and priorities change.   Considering this, it would be logical to ask, "Does a bridal shower reflect who we are now?   Is it necessary or fair to wedding guests?"   The easy, quick answer is "No".   Most likely, not many will side with me here, as many do not know the history of the party and many don't care.   Many times, the shower is just an excuse to double up on wedding gifts. Quick History Lesson History points to the first showers as a gesture of generosity of a town's people, rather than parties.   Town's people would give small gifts to a bride who, for various reasons, had no dowry—usually, dad didn't like the groom.   Similar customs sprang up through the years; partly because, it was common for women to stay home with daddy until a lucky man showed up to take...

  This was an enjoyable interview with the ever-effervescent  Deirdre Fitzpatrick of KCRA Sacramento, CA.  I lost count of how many interviews I’ve had with her but each time was a hoot.  This was our typical, “Let’s wing it; what questions do you have for me today...” interview.  Deirdre always appeared truly interested in etiquette and doing what is right.   Q.  Let’s speak a little about the dress code . Can guests wear white or black to a wedding or is that still considered unacceptable? A:  Black is popular and appropriate at all times of the day and for all times of the year.  In fact, some brides prefer their guests in black or at least both mothers, which wasn’t proper in the past.  White is even acceptable these days with a caveat. The outfit must not resemble bride attire. In fact, the only taboo color for guests to wear these days is red.  Even so, the most egregious breach of dress code con...

Playing Musical Chairs With Parents Dear Polite One,   On the day of the wedding when it becomes time to seat the parents of the bride and groom, who sits first and last especially when dealing with stepparents? Me First Dear Me First , We have more parental issues to deal with these days than we did in the past.    In fact, more weddings are encore wedding than first, which reflects this trend.  So, to keep everyone happy and separate, we seat parents in this order:  Groom’s father and stepmother (third row); Bride’s father and stepmother (third row); Groom’s mother and stepfather (first row); Bride’s mother and stepfather (first row).   If everyone is on friendly terms, all parents may sit in the front row in the given order.  The stepparents follow the person escorting parents to their seats.   Sincerely, The Polite One Seating Chart Dilemma Dear Polite One,   I'm working ...

  Cash Gifts On Invitations? Dear Polite One, Is it socially acceptable to request money as a wedding gift right on the invitation? Wishing Dear Wishing, No!  Never! In fact, gifts are never mentioned on invitations, even if we don’t want any.  Many couples may be confused about this rule since store personnel tends to provide enclosures specifically designed to list registry information.  These are a huge no-no and are created to benefit the store, which has no interest in how the information might be viewed by guests.  And requesting cash is any manner is viewed extremely negatively and as greedy.  If we truly only prefer cash, we convey this message through word of mouth.  We could also list a wedding saving’s account and registries on our wedding website—never on the first page.  This information is never included with the invitation.  Be prepared, though, to receive few gifts if requesting cash. ...